Hurt feelings and power gradients

I learned something today. I learned something that I’m sure is painfully and pervasively obvious to my friends of color. So I want to share it with my fellow white people so that maybe I can help others learn about this phenomenon so that they can be more empathetic as they move through this world.

It’s not easy to frame this lesson in a soundbyte. So you’re just going to have to follow along.

We’re going to start with the base assumption that people don’t usually hurt each other’s feelings on purpose. So all of these scenarios begin with the good faith that the harm done was unintentional. And likely even counterintentional. Like when someone tries to be friendly and does something that is very unkind instead. I’m also going to state the obvious - impact matters. Intent doesn’t erase impact. Hurt hurts even if it was an accident.

Now I’m going to describe two conditions in which Jane hurts Jill.

Jill tells Jane that they’ve been hurt by something Jane just did. Jane apologizes to Jill, acknowledges that they were wrong and they will strive to do better. Jill may forgive them, or need more time, or not at all. (Forgiveness isn’t really relevant to this lesson. No one is entitled to forgiveness.) no matter what happens, Jane and Jill remain on equal social footing.

Jane is subordinate either structurally, as in a workplace context, or culturally, as in the ways in which the outside world might be inclined to take sides of Jill over Jane for socioeconomic reasons. (or both!)

Jane apologizes, acknowledges harm, and now sits in a place of extreme vulnerability. Jill, who is already positioned in power over Jane, now has social license to exercise that power in a multitude of devastating ways. Outside observers can be rallied to further push Jane down the power gradient. Jill has the power to encourage others to isolate and shun Jane.

Jane is at Jill’s mercy. Imagine a time where you felt at the mercy of someone else’s magnanimity.

It’s a terrifying place to be.

There’s a third scenario I did not describe. The one in which Jane is in social power over Jill. If you’ve ever been in the position to have hurt someone down a power gradient from you I hope you’ve had the humility and grace to apologize and to do what you can to pull Jill up that power gradient some.

But right now I want you to think of times where you’ve been Jill, the person who’s been hurt, and your Jane exists down that power gradient. I want you to think about that power, building in your hands like static electricity, ready to discharge and send Jane sliding down that gradient.

We’ve all been Jane. And we’ve all been Jill. When we’re Jill and we’re at the top of the hill, I want to believe we won’t strike Jane down. I want to believe in grace and humility and forgiveness.

I want to believe in mercy.

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