My feet hate me. The feeling is mutual.

I don’t want to freak out anyone who’s planning to get pregnant, but my feet grew (and stayed) a half an inch bigger with each of my four pregnancies, ending with a size 12 shoe. This blows my mind.

I know it’s due to the hormones relaxing your joints and tissues making it easier to spread your pelvis to hold a baby in utero more comfortably that also spreads your feet, but everything’s supposed to go back together in this jigsaw puzzle of a body. What the hell would happen to me if I kept having children?

I kind of look like Sasquatch without the hair, so it makes sense I have huge feet too.

And I’ve noticed a lot taller, big footed girls coming out of their teens, yet the shoe selections don’t seem to be growing with our needs. It’s hard finding shoes stores that carry size 12 that aren’t styled for transitioning ladies. I’ve no problem with my LGBTQ kin-folk, but I don’t wear rhinestone encrusted 7-inch heels.

It’s even harder to find my size in wide-width flats that don’t cause my feet to freak out. I think they’re claustrophobic. Like every fall I have to re-train my feet to accept sock wearing for winter. Then I have to put actual shoes on over the socks and go out in public like a normal person. Look, it’s a whole process, people. My feet don’t like to be contained.

I feel like I’m going to scream at unsuspecting folks, “I’M SORRY I’M SOBBING ON THE LETTUCE BUT I AM WEARING SOCKS!”

I typically have to wear men’s sneakers because they come in bigger sizes. And speaking of ‘sneakers’, enough with calling them thongs and tennis shoes, people. They’re flip-flops and sneakers. FLIP-FLOPS AND SNEAKERS.

Anyway, I always loved Samba classic soccer sneakers from high school and they still have them but with smaller tongues on the market so I ordered those. Unfortunately they squeak when I walk which is really unfortunate when you’re the fat girl squeaking every step you take. I can’t win.

And forget about finding cheap shoes for the most part. I once had a Ginagasm at Nordstrom Rack in Sacramento when I saw they had shoes in my size at a price I can sometimes afford, but sadly I had no cash that day and they were lacking in flats anyway.

I don’t and can’t wear heels at all. I have a huge amount of pain in my toes and heels if my heels are propped up at all. The highest heel I have is maybe an inch and a half and it’s a low boot with a flat bottom, not a tiny kickstand I’m supposed to balance on.

This isn’t a problem for most women; however even an inch heel height might cause me to break my ass.

I tried on a pair of heels this winter just for shits and giggles. I didn’t walk in them because I couldn’t lift a foot without feeling like I was putting the general public and myself in danger. But I do think I bent them in half or something before taking them off just from my weight.

It seems logically that having huge feet would only help steady me in any shoe, but I’m not even steady on bare feet. I’m just happy if I make it through a day using stairs safely.

See, the way I look at it is why make a graceful exit when you can just wipe out with the least effort.

Why not stumble in front of a bunch of people at 9 am like you’re already completely blitzed so you can pretend you have a rock in your sandal.

Why not teach the younger generation useful things like tripping over your own feet so you scream like a banshee, flail and fall and bash your temple against the railing on the stairs at 7 am. WHY NOT?

My feet hate me. The feeling is mutual.

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