Clown Pants

A friend recently bought a new pair of jeans that she jokingly refers to as clown pants. She weighed the positives: comfortable and the negatives: a bit large, all while wondering if they were as “clowny” as she thought (they were). Like most women, her body has changed since pregnancy and the slow tick of metabolism catching up to us as we cross into the mid-thirties. She is the primary breadwinner of her family and it is important for her to have a functional wardrobe that looks trendy, but can also withstand the demands of toddlers. Another friend recently cited never wanting to wear non-pregnancy pants again because they were so much more forgiving to her changed body than what she could find on the racks at TJs. Understanding how to dress your body as it changes to not just a different size but different proportions is difficult at any age (hello puberty, we see you!), but especially at an age when you barely have time for a pee break.

Buying a new wardrobe can be a dramatic and traumatic experience and the lights in Marshalls don’t do you any favors. Think for a moment about how mad or frustrated you get when you don’t fit into an article of clothing. I tend to return 3/4 of what I purchase mainly because I feel like shit when trying on item after item that doesn’t work and not being all that psyched about what does fit so I throw in the towel and buy things sans trying them on…

In truth, your clothes should fit You-

not the other way around. Stop saying “I don’t fit into my jeans” and try “these jeans don’t fit me.” You are the living, breathing organism, not the jeans that are making you cry after you’ve chub rubbed through yet another pair and can’t seem to find new ones that don’t either a) give you camel toe b) go up to your tits or c) show off your plumber’s crack.

You know that dress you can’t zip up because your breasts have gone up a size? It should not be the cause of stress or tears. It should not send you into a spiral of doubting your self-worth because guess what? Your self-worth has jack shit to do with your clothes. You should not break out into hives as you warp yourself to fit into a smaller size, a number that is entirely contrived and varies from one manufacturer to the next. What is a men’s size 8? Oh wait… they don’t have randomized sizes, they have actual measurements — WHAT A CRAZY CONCEPT!

I am sure men have plenty issues in stores, primarily the lack of options, but I doubt it is the same struggle for them to find a pair of jeans or appropriate work attire as it is for most women I know (though I have seen some pear shaped dudes lately and that’s got to be a bitch.) Scientists say we are happier when we have less choices, could the reason we have melt downs when it comes to clothing is due to there being just too many options these days? Logistically we should be able to find one pair of jeans out of all those styles now on offer, so it is normal to inevitably blame ourselves when none do. “Should thinking” is terrible, should is a word banished from my therapy sessions but perhaps is the key to understanding my relationship with clothes; nothing “should fit”, it either does or doesn’t and it’s ok if it doesn’t, it doesn’t lessen my value nor does it lessen yours.

Could you imagine if we returned to a world where our clothes were made to fit the individual and that the expectation was you could look presentable no matter your size? Now it feels like a crap shoot: in some stores you will be a Small, in others a double XL, in some bras you wear a 36 DD and others a 38 C. There is no universal standard which leads to women having panic attacks because they are no longer a specific size. While there are more store bought options for larger bodies, the quality of the clothes is often left wanting and the women I talked of earlier, those post pregnancy moms, tend to air on the side of caution and buy 2–3 sizes larger than would be ideal. These women don’t have time to try on 4 sizes of each style jean by the SAME BRAND, they can barely pop a squat- we don’t have time for this shit!

Yesterday I teared up when I learned BootybyBrabants, a Boston based fitness brand, expanded their clothing line to include up to a size 30 (Lane Bryant goes up to a 32). Xennials seem to be making a push for more inclusivity in clothing, which I cannot celebrate enough — your clothes should not make you feel like shit, nor should the shopping experience. The confidence that younger millennials and Gen Z exhibit in their body awareness is pretty inspiring, though I don’t know if it’s something that will ever exist for those of us carrying around the trauma of never fitting into any item from Delia’s Catalogue as a 90s teen and having to make do with that beaded rainbow bracelet because even the choker was too tight and actually was choking you.

I’m fortunate I can still shop in plain clothes stores but am starting to contemplate making my own clothes just so I can have a shirt that fits the bust, shoulders and waist- not just one body part while it pulls or hangs off another. What is with all these midi tops, or tent blouses? It is hard not to love the sheer amount of options coming from a time when it used to just be pretty much two options: preppy or Goth, but I can’t lie it is daunting and I am doubtful something I could have handled twenty years ago when a pimple sent me into meltdown mode.

Recently as I contemplated a pile of clothes I’d bought to tide myself over while I lost the weight I’d put on with new medication, my mother reminded me not to be so hard on myself and to ask, “does this article of clothing make me more positive and self confident when I see myself wearing it?”

My friend, long before she owned “clown pants”, would deliberate as to whether she loved each article of clothing before buying it- this meant she went without on many occasions but she has since opened herself up to the power of taking more risks on clothing purchases. While there are plenty of times you just need work or gym clothes and do not need to think of their merits beyond fulfilling specific functions, when you are buying clothes while adjusting to a new body it is very important to have items you love or at least love the idea of. Years ago, after one of our shopping excursions where I left with a large bag of so-so items and she left with none I internalized her idea of loving what you buy and realized it was much more important than I’d previously given it credence. It’s something I still remind myself of, especially when evaluating purchases. My mom’s question brought that idea back to me- do you love it? Do you love who you are in it or who you think you could be?

Clothes are meant to be functional but should also bring you joy. You should not be wearing items that make you less confident in who you are as a person, because you can always change your jeans but not your personality.

Quick tip: do not try on jeans before a date; the sweat created as you pull on and off those 20 pairs you ordered during that holiday sale will ruin your make up and mood, trust me on this.

*Hilda Pin-Up Illustrations by Duane Bryers

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