What happens when dad dies?

I didn’t think that my first foray in to writing would be quite so deep let alone turn in to a series of short stories. I’ve been wanting to do it for a long time though. I’m one of these people that chooses not to switch off so the idea of getting some of my thoughts down on paper has always been appealing. My journal has helped in the past and something I love about written word is that it lives on, long after the moment has passed and the dust has settled. When it’s your own words you read them back in your own voice like there’s an actual you, speaking to you and reminding you how bad or good; or confused or clear a situation was back then. If you write enough then you’ll see that even your worst day was only your worst day, for that day.

Recently my dad died. He battled hard for a very long time to stay around but eventually his body had had enough. I was lucky this time in that we were able to say goodbye, we had that opportunity to share our most important words and I know exactly how he felt about me. I say this time because this isn’t the first time my dad has died.

Rewind 18 years to 4 days after my 13th birthday and I lost my dad for the first time. He was 41 and died very suddenly. I was too young to know what my dad was about really, to me he was just a super hero that could do no wrong. I have no idea whether he achieved much of what he wanted to achieve or what our relationship would be like now if he was still around. It took many months and help from some terrific counsellors to reconcile those thoughts in my mind. I know that I’ll probably never know the answers and you know what? That’s ok. It’s ok because the answers to those questions aren’t really that important. They won’t bring him back and they won’t somehow change the way I tackle life. There won’t be an “ah ha” moment where life will suddenly make sense. Life will just to continue to be. Nothing more and nothing less.

I’ve learned much too much about grief over the years to fit in to a single story so for now I’ll keep it brief. If the following doesn’t resonate with you personally then don’t worry, you’ll find something that does if you keep looking. This is just my experience and there will be a billion others.

When it happens it will feel like nothing you have ever felt before. But, so will having your heart broken for the first time or the second (or the third). On all of those days you will find a way to keep going.

2. You will think a lot

There will be nights when you’re up at 3am with a bottle of whisky because you’re convinced that if you just keep circling, keep focussing on the tiny individual moments that you will somehow find the answers you’re looking for. You’re brain is a wonderful thing but in this situation it needs a little help, it needs a different perspective and this is where I really found value in counselling.

3. You will mess up

When my first dad died I was too young to know that he had flaws just like anybody else. I spent a lot of years trying to live up to an unrealistic expectation that I needed to be a super hero in order to guarantee he would be proud of me. Give yourself a break. When you do mess up, commit to doing better next time but don’t beat yourself up. There is always an opportunity to put it right.

4. Death isn’t final

A friend of mine and possibly the most wise person I know said “Your dad is now in a better place, a more powerful place. Somewhere he can guide you, look after you and will always be with you”.

Your dad left plenty with you to help you on your way. You’re not on your own.

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