Tuesday Talks

Our autism journey

I heard Owen laughing. I knew I would hear his feet next running on the hardwood floor, coming to my room. It was four in the morning. Seems like his usual wake up time. He fell back asleep quickly, after asking for milk. I wondered what made him laugh; was he dreaming of something funny, or was it something when he woke. I love to hear his laugh. He woke again about an hour later, I hadn’t gone back to sleep. He was very anxious when he woke, but extremely happy. If I moved he would cry out, or follow me. I told him that everything was fine, he would be going to school soon. He first said his teacher’s name, then it was “bus”. But yet when I tried to get him ready he kept running from me, laughing. It’s so hard for me to process how all of this affects Owen. It’s hard for me to understand how it really affects me. I try not to cry as much anymore, but it’s so lonely. I feel like I have to think ten steps ahead, so that Owen remains calm. I wondered sometimes how Owen could see the lights that I turn on from the bedroom, when he is in our living room. At night it casts the shadows, during the day not as much, but I finally figured out that my light switch makes a clicking noise when I turn it on, or off. It never occurred to me it could be noise related, triggering him to come to me, or scream, when the switch is flipped. It took me a long time to convince him to leave the living room light on. I had to tape the switch in the on position, and use the light pull to turn it on, and off. He would scream out “offT”. I often wonder if the light itself makes a noise he doesn’t like. I know he can handle loud noises, because he is fine when we go bowling; thrives there, but the sound of the light switch makes him scream. Maybe it is a combination of both the light, and noise. Owen said “time giveA hugGa”. He came over to me, sitting on my lap, put his arm around my neck, and kissed my cheek. This is my motivation, my inspiration, my drive; he is my world. I knew the embrace of my child would be amazing, but I never understood what these moments would truly do for my soul. This journey of life is not always without bumps, but together as a team we go down this road. Find what motivates you, and let it inspire you to change the world. Smiles to all and donut daze!

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