The dark side of generosity. Is it better to be a taker?

I recently worked with a senior manager, who I’ll call Ravi. Ravi was a brilliant technologist but struggled as a manager. He was generous and always happy to give his time to people and customers. He was also eager to dig deep and fully commit to people and projects, so that he hardly had time for himself or family outside of work. He preferred to work collaboratively as it was often difficult for him to impose his needs and challenge others when he felt they were wrong. He said that it felt good to help others and be a team player but of late he had started questioning his approach. Increasingly he felt being taken advantage of, particularly from his peers and direct reports. He also felt that his career had stagnated. Close friends within the organization had also advised him to stop being so ‘nice’ and trusting.

Was it the case of too much of a good thing and the real challenge for managers and employees like Ravi, who are already generous to stop giving away too much of their time and expertise? The challenge for Ravi and others like him is that he had no filter on his generosity, trusted blindly without questioning the intentions of others or adopting his behaviour to how they interacted with him. Too much disclosure and being politically naive also left him being sidelined without influence and being treated like a door mat.

So before deciding whether to give or take use the situation and person to guide you. According to Grant by adopting a ‘Matching’ style and a focus on the perceived fairness and equality in the relationship is crucial to retain balance. Tuning into who is giving in a similar way and who isn’t allows Givers to change their style and respond appropriately. Separating generosity from assertiveness and availability can also help. Being timid or unassertive can make it difficult for Givers to assert their needs over the needs of others making them a prime target to be taken advantage of. Adopting a self-advocacy approach where the giver emphasizes representing the needs of others can be a powerful strategy. Finally, setting limits on our availability and managing schedules more proactively can prevent givers from accepting every request and avoid feeling guilty by saying ‘no’.

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